Jerry, we are waiting for you. Please join us soon.
Has anyone else heard a funny today?

>THE DILLARD'S THIEF
>
>In San Antonio, Texas.
>This is too funny! This could only be true, you can't make this stuff up. (maybe but it's still funny)
>
>Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no smell.
>
>What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.
>
>"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it.
>
>They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
>
>They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria. After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk.
>
>BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.
>
>She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine? " finally sputtered Ellen.
>
>"The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief.
>
>Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.
>
>Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.
>
>Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest.
>
>The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
>
>A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
>
>In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney.
>
>Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.
>
>The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.
>
>My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it, guess she didn't have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care of those who do bad

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my shape to keep. Please no wrinkles. Please no bags and lift my butt before it sags.Please no age spots. Please no gray and as for my belly...please take it away. Please keep me healthy. Please keep me young and thank You, dear Lord for all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

Camping with a whiteman
>
> The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
>
> Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
>
> The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
>
>"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
>
> The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
>
> Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
>
> "You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole the tent."

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship

holding her hat tight

so that it would not blow away in the wind.


A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward

but did you know that your dress

is blowing up in this high wind?"


"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands

to hold onto this hat."


"But madam, you must know that you are

not wearing any panties

and your privates are exposed!"

said the gentleman in earnest.


The woman looked down,

then back up at the man

and replied,

"Sir, anything you see down there

is 85 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

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Wife knows everything

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

Sad News?






With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.



Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble
started.



Shut up. You know it's funny.

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

Ha ha har har yuk yuk chortle snort ... yup, sure is funny!

TOP 8 MORON IC ACTION S OF 2005

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, ne w to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE: Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" She asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" She asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" The little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them
flat.

"Well, that might be OK in California and Wyoming, but we're not having any
of that shit in Texas!"

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

Subject: Idaho Cowboy


On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Idaho stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at
a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest. She gasps. He whispers. "Iron this. Then get me a beer."

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.
EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY,
"ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT
HELICOPTER."
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED,
" I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE
IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD.
IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW,
I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS,
THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS
IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE! SAID,
"FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE.
IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE
RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD,
I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD,
IT'S 50 DOLLARS."
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.
BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.
HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN,
BUT STILL NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS.
HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU
TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING
WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,
BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

FACTS TO PONDER:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is
1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before
this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

5 million of our older Americans have not signed up yet for their Medicare,
Part D, drug plan--they are old and confused. We are not going to grant
them an extension. However, 12 million illegal aliens are in our country
and we are going to allow them to stay, protest, procreate, receive support monies, attend schools, avoid paying income taxes, have our
teachers take 300 hours of ESOL (English as a second lanquage) training at our expense, etc.
WE MUST REALLY DISLIKE OUR OLD PEOPLE! OR......
WE MUST REALLY LOVE TACOS!


I know this is suppose to be a joke, but its almost so close to the truth that its sad

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~

A cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking
and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. It's a true delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy, following the bull fight"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then
that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes
the bull wins.


(sorry guys, I had to post this one!!!!)

__________________
God is and all is well
~John Greenleaf Whittier~