I haven't spoken to my wife in years, I didn't want to interrupt her.

I found there was only one was to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Very clever humor, I like it. Thanks for sharing.

Long the same line�..


My wife and I we go to a nice restaurant two times a week have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
She said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We go to the mall we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "there are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was some water in the gas. I asked where the car was; she told me "in the lake."

My wife got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling "am I too late for the garbage? The driver said "no, jump in!"

Remember: marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

I married miss right. I just didn't know her first name was always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault! My wife asked? "What�s on the TV?" I said "dust!"

Just ignore me. My wife does.

LOL, Mad Scientist, thanks for the yucks!

The best one.

My Mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch. ~ Jack Nicholson.

My divorce came as a complete surprise to me. Thats what happens when you haven't been home in 18 months.~ Lee Trevino

Happiness is having a large, caring, loving. close knit family in another city.~ George Burns

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.~Jackie Gleason

The first man to swllow an oyster was a brave man. ~ King James 1

I dont think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I dont like and give her a house.~ Lewis Grizzard

Very funny liverock!