Hello there! I am getting desperate. I am supposed to go on medication for anxiety with depression... but I tend to have major side-effects and am very reluctant to take medication that alters my brain chemistry. I would like to explain myself to you and please post some helpful advice, links, anything. As I am a single mother of two and cannot live this way much longer.
I have been seeing an INCREDIBLE therapist for the past year and a half. I have learned so much about myself, but unfortunately I am still struggling to "get it together"
I do not remember being a baby. But I am sure that my mother was stressed and not at all affectionate. I was told I was an "easy baby" because I barely cried and asked for little. My older brother was labelled a terror.
As a young child my mother was very very depressed. She was moody, layed on the couch all day and was emotionally unavailable. I grew up suppressing emotions and had little physical interactions with other humans. I wrote a letter to my mom at 5 yrs old stating I wanted to die. She got angry and I learned not to ask for emotional support. My father was in the Navy and gone often.
Pre Teen I was depressed.. I think.. looking back. I was fat, unattractive, had poor hygeine, was not dressed well or told I was beautiful. I wore very thick glasses, had a terrible "boy" hair cut, was very overweight. I had 1 or 2 friends. I played by myself a lot. I always enjoyed the company of animals and being alone outdoors. I am artistic and had a crazy active imagination. I was picked on by peers, mostly because of my weight. Although I think it could have been worse. I was good at keeping out of the lime light. I was an "easy child" I never asked for anything, talked back, or got in trouble. I basically stayed out of the way. My brother was the "trouble maker"
As a teenager I became fairly popular. I think because my physical appearance changed. I had lost a lot of weight, picked out my own school clothes at the store (gothic and then hippy). I traded glasses for contacts, grew out my hair, and had a whole new pool of people to meet in highschool. I I began to self mutilate (scratches on my under forearms). I cared very little about my education, but was fairly smart, so grades were easy. I began drinking, smoking, smoking pot at 13 yrs old. That Summer I tried every drug that was available. I tripped on Dramamine, acid, and mushrooms... something else too, but I don't know what because it was slipped. I smoked pot constantly. After a short while I began having constant visual disturbances that were easy to tell from reality. I saw some professionals. My parents took me to appointments, but were never involved. I believe they turned a blind eye. I took Paxil first. It made me sleep during school. They put me on Prozac, it did nothing. They put me on a very mild dose of anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic. I moved out of state, did not see any more professionals, and discontinued taking it on my own. My parents were uninvolved in my affairs and I did not see any professionals. But resumed drug use into adulthood.
I hated where we moved. I felt I did not belong. I dropped out of highschool and moved out of state at 16. I had very little attachment to my family. My brother also, had left the home at 16. I always worked. I started working as soon as I was legally able. I was "independant" as a child... which now I know, was simply not optional.
I got pregnant at 17 by someone I thought I loved. Before the pregnancy I did drugs. I smoked pot constantly, drank very seldom, and did mushrooms. I had a healthy baby at 18 naturally via home birth with excellent mid-wives. I breast fed. I was still young and dumb.
I still smoked pot constantly and took mushrooms a couple times.
At 20 I became pregnant again with my 2nd child. He too, was born at home, healthy at happy. That birth was difficult and I was exhausted.
I smoked pot constantly, snorted meth and coke on occassion. My ex was a heavy drug user and alcoholic, although I didn't realize how bad at the time. Our living conditions were horrid... looking back, I really can't believe that was me and my beautiful children living in such horrid conditions.
I wanted a better life for me and my kids. My ex was an addict. He didn't get it. I was desperate. At 22? 23? I left one day, just left, and few to my parents accross the country to make things right.
At first I was very depressed. I gained a lot of weight. I got a job. I hardly ever smoked pot or drank. I eventually went to college.. this part is interesting:
In college I was highly motivated. I also joined an MMA gym. I went to school full time and trained for MMA. I was obsessive. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA and I have a very good career in the medical field. I trained MMA for 5 years obsessively. I trained with professional world ranked athletes and I competed. I was in incredible physical condition, although I never thought I was in good enough shape. You could see great muscle tone and my cardiovascular health was great. I sparred like a maniac.. which includes getting punched in the face, which never bothered me. I got up early and trained for hours, sometimes multiple training sessions in one day. I excelled in school, at my internship, and was hired FT. I took great care of my kids. All I did was go to school, study, train, and raise my kids. I was extremely organized, on time, never missed a beat. Exceptional.
I got a MRSA infection a few weeks before a fight and was ill on antibiotics for 1 month. I could not work because I am in the medical field and it is contagious. I became very depressed... thats when I sought out my therapist. Other things had happened too that triggered depression. It has been almost 2 yrs. I CANNOT get myself back on track. I have always had a skin picking problem, which gets worse when I am not feeling "well" emotionally. I have been secluding myself, finding it very hard to get dressed up and go out with friends. My home is very disorganized and cluttered, but not "dirty". Getting out of bed is a serious struggle. I have a great life, love many things about it, am basically happy, but feel very run down. Like I could sleep forever. Forget my physical condition. I was once an athlete, but now I can barely get to the gym. I haven't done anything this whole time and gained 30 lbs. I try to get motivated to train, or run like I used too, but I just can't seem to get myself out. I avoid staying home... even though I want too because of anxiety... or so my therapist and I believe... it appears as though I have serious anxiety although my personality is laid back. My focus is off... maybe it always has been... I day dream constantly, always have. I perform well at work. I am very good at what I do, but I am almost always late because getting going, out the door is difficult, and my concept of time seems poor. I am extremely lonely... especially at night. I was crying constantly. I never used to cry. EVER. I didn't allow it if I could help it, and I had to be alone in the bath tub. But I started crying daily.. multiple times a day, for months. Part of this was triggered because during this period I had a bf who I broke up with. I would cry and wail sometimes when alone. To the point I would hyperventilate. My chest hurt. It was always tight and I could not take a deep breath. As time passed that sharp, pain of sorrow and stress turned to a dull ache. My chest feels fine now and I only cry when stimulated to do so. I am not lazy... not unmotivated.. I am passionate, have goals and dreams, love my life, have lots of plans. I just can't seem to get back on track. I think my successful streak of obsession was driven by anxiety. It seems to be getting worse. My personal hygeine is not the best, but not too terrible.. yet... I could have PTSD... possibly
It got to the point where I was making big mistakes at work, which is exceptionally bad since I work at a hospital. I had a co-worker and my boss confront me. I could not focus and I was not the same. I still cry very easily. I took Sertraline for a while. I was up to 100mg/ day. I started having severe side-effects and weaned myself off it quickly which also caused severe side effects. It helped at first for a month or two. My therapist and I decided that I should try another medication because therapy alone and my awesome family, is not enough. I am struggling.. basic life is a struggle. I haven't done drugs in years, I smoked pot on great occassions, which I certainly am not doing now. I drink socially which is hardly ever, or have a glass of wine once in a while. I have a good paying job, a nice place to live, my kids are happy and we have a great relationship. My parents and I are close now, and they help me with the kids a lot. I think I have a chemical problem, or just need a boost... I don't know..
I keep thinking that being off meds (which I am), time (which much has passed), eating healthy again and getting back in the gym, will help... but I can't even get that far. I can't get myself back into eating healthy, going to gym, having that energy.. I really am trying. Please comment if you have anything to note that may help. Thank you so much!!!!!
Our emotions are very much governed by good nutrition. If you aren't getting B vitamins, your emotions and thought processes will be out of whack. Considering your history, I am rather shocked that your therapist wants to put you on medication. You know what you need, it is there in what you wrote. You need proper food and exercise. You are the only one who can make the difference. An injection of B12 could give you the impetus to get back on track.
Welcome to the forum nykiegin! I'm happy that you're here trying to work thorough your health issues. First I have to commend you for dealing with everything that was going on in your past so well, you certainly have to possess strength to cope with all those things. I also admire the fact that you're not willing to take the 'quick fix' with prescription anti-depressants, good for you, they just supress feelings and often times lead to violence or even greater depression.
It's good to review and acknowledge feelings and events in your life up to now. I recommend that you start now to really concentrate on felling better both physically and mentally for today, and your future.
The B-12 shot that dogwoman suggested is a good idea. Even simpler, you should really start to take a b-complex, magnesium citrate and omega 3 supplement every day to begin with. They all have been known to help with health, nerves and depression. There are many other things including vitamin D3 that will help. Browse through the Mental Health forum for threads with more specific info. Dr. Weil recently suggested on a TV show that the herb Aswaghanda worked well for his depression and also had a relaxing effect.
In the meantime, consider this a beginning for change. You're a smart lady, try not overwhelm yourself with the list of things you could or should be doing by now. A little bit at a time, is easier approach.
__________________ "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanual Kant~
Thank you for the advice. My therapist seems very natural and never suggested meds originally. I was terrified of losing my job and went to my PC's office out of desperation and asked for a med. I love my PC, I really think he is the best, and I didn't even get to see him, it was someone covering who prescribed Sertraline. And I played with the dosage based on how I felt, including taking myself off it. It helped a lot at first, but didn't last. I almost feel like the med is still effecting me in a negative way, but I don't regret taking it, because I was in a real bad way and I really needed a quick fix, even if temporary, because I can't lose my job. No one else can pay my bills.
My therapist did suggest I get checked out. Once I saw my PC, who is awesome, I got blood work and was checked for everything. Including Lyme disease, which concerned me since I have terrible joint pain at the age of 29. But I am blaiming this on over-training in a very high impact sport that includes joint submissions. They never called me on the results, so they are probably normal, but I will take the day off today and get something going. I am going to see that homeopath, and I will definately look into B-12, fish oil, and whatever else you suggested. Thank you again!
I am reading about B12. It would make perfect sense. I am not eating the way I used too, and certainly not eating the B12 rich foods either. I am wondering if the mass doses of antibiotics initially caused this. At first they thought I had Impetigo, so I took a serious anitbiotic that the physician said under her breath "yea, you can handle that dose" When the infection did not go away, MRSA was suspected. I took oral anitbiotics, put antibiotics up my nose (to pass the screening so I could return to work), I washed in a heavy duty antibiotic soap (my whole body because the infection was defuse)... that's when I went down hill. I did not exercise at all for a month. The antibiotics made me ill.
Of course, at this same time. I had broken up with someone I really loved, my parents and brother had gone away for a month leaving me without childcare for the Summer, all of which triggered anxiety and depression because I have abandonment schema.
A B12 injection gives an instant physical and emotional uplift. If B vitamin foods and supplements are started at the same time, they will have enough time to build up in your body before the injection wears off to get you back on track. With the heavy antibiotic regime you went through, you need to establish beneficial flora in your GI tract with probiotics, such as good quality yoghurt (no sugar in it) and fermented/pickled vegetables. Speak affirmations of positivity to yourself to assist with improved attitude.
By the way, if you choose to buy B12 supplement, look for the nasal gel or sub-lingual type--liquid or disolving tablet, meant to be placed under the tongue for absorption directly into the blood stream. The cheaper tablets which are swallowed can cause diarrhea.
I am wondering if the mass doses of antibiotics initially caused this. At first they thought I had Impetigo, so I took a serious anitbiotic that the physician said under her breath "yea, you can handle that dose" When the infection did not go away, MRSA was suspected. I took oral anitbiotics, put antibiotics up my nose (to pass the screening so I could return to work), I washed in a heavy duty antibiotic soap (my whole body because the infection was defuse)... that's when I went down hill. I did not exercise at all for a month. The antibiotics made me ill.
A month on antibiotics and the symptoms you outlined point to a candida overgrowth. A history of drug taking can cause candida to start to grow and antibiotics will hasten growth. Once candida is established diet alone will not get rid of it. Anti-fungals, probiotics and a strict anti-candida diet is the regular treatment.
Check out the these articles and the symptom checker.
As you also seem to have had a traumatic childhood you might like to consider this article. Sometimes people who have had a lot of trauma in life,particularly as children, have difficulty in getting rid of candida.
Need Advice Please... new member
I'm happy that you're here trying to work thorough your health issues. First I have to commend you for dealing with everything that was going on in your past so well, you certainly have to possess strength to cope with all those things. I also admire the fact that you're not willing to take the 'quick fix' with prescription anti-depressants, good for you, they just supress feelings and often times lead to violence or even greater depression.
Hybrid Mode
