\r\n \r\n On 11/11/12 I lost the person that is so special to me. She was my grandma, she wasn\'t technically my grandma, my mom was friends with her son and even though we weren\'t related by blood she voluntarily babysat me and raised me alongside her own grandkids who were around my age ever since I was 6 months old. I was with her 6/7 days a week and when i was with my actual parents my mom was usually sleeping, and my dad was usually in the garage working on his snowmobiles. She had so many stories about me from when I was little, and I have so many memories with her and at her house. She had a piano at her house that I would play and she was so supportive in wanting me to play, she even gave me that piano when her mother died and she inherited a different one. She would play games with me, and let me run around the house, and jump off the couch using pillow sheets as wings or a cape, she would play volleyball in the backyard with me, and draw countless keikos with chalk in the driveway, she would take me on walks, and always take me to church with her, even if she had already made an entire meal if I wanted top ramen or spam and eggs instead she would make it for me. When I would leave she would always walk me to the door and stand and wave to me while I waved back at her until I was out of sight, and even then I would yell out the car window, "I love you Grandma!!!"
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\nI\'ve lost a lot of family members to cancer, and its been painful, but with them I at least had a chance to say what I needed to say, and be able to slowly come to terms with it. My Grandma Alice died suddenly, she was getting old but she didn\'t have anything specifically wrong. Although for the past year or so I\'ve been worried, I would tear up every time I was driving away from her house, but I would tell myself how her mom and aunt lived to be close to 90, so she had at least a few more years.
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\nEvery time I had free time I would plan on visiting her, even now I\'ll think about if I could go see her for a split second, and then I realize she\'s not there. I would massage essential oils into her feet and back, and I would use this essential oil rub that helps with pain for her feet and legs and back before we would go anywhere so she wouldn\'t be in so much pain. I would still stay the night there and sleep in her room with her, even though she had one of those chair toilets and it didn\'t smell very good I just had a fan blowing towards my face, I was fine with it because I knew it meant a lot to her that I slept in there like when I was little.
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\nI don\'t openly or freely love very many people, but with her I did. I feel like we were just so connected.
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\nNow my grandma that is alive has always been upset with how much time I would spend at my Grandma Alices so she isn\'t very supportive, my mom has no clue on how to be supportive, her idea of comforting me was saying how she looked peaceful, unlike some people like when my other grandma died and her face was contorted because she was in pain from having a heart attack. I also have a boyfriend of over 4 years and he has been supportive, but he hasn\'t really lost anyone he was close to so he just doesn\'t understand, and we live with roommates so he\'s always out there hanging out while I\'m in my room just needing someone to be there.
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\nEvery holiday my mom would be working and my dad has been having girlfriends on the side for a few years now so he\'s usually "busy" on christmas, my parents are in the middle of getting a divorce but its been very drawn out and ridiculous. I\'ve always gone to my Grandma Alice\'s for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Superbowl. So now I feel lost. I just want the holidays so be over so this pain won\'t be so constant.
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\nI wanted to get her a small keyboard for Christmas. One that she could have on her lap or next to her, just something she could play on that had some preset songs that included "The Entertainer" since that was her favorite song, and maybe the option for me to record some songs for her to listen to. I\'ve been looking for the perfect keyboard for the past 8 months...
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\nEverything reminds me of her, which is just unbearable right now. I\'ve been able to try to refocus my thoughts and just take one day, one hour, one minute at a time, and thats been helpful, but for the past two weeks I haven\'t been able to do that and I\'m just constantly feeling this pain.
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\nI\'ve also been having thoughts, like while I\'m driving I look at cement walls or telephone polls and think of driving fast into them. I love my boyfriend, and could never do that to him or my family, and usually I\'m always looking to the future to get me through the hard times, I\'m very excited about my career in psychology, and the psychology classes I\'m taking, but those thoughts still show up. I have a counselor and he said that those thoughts are fairly common when you lose someone really close to you, but it still worries me.
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\nFor the last 5-6 days my stomach has been really upset, like if I were to eat something bad, but usually it would only a day or so. My stomachs just constantly upset, and occasionally it really hurts, along with my back. A few months ago I was in the hospital with a really bad kidney infection, and my backs been hurting in the kidney area. I\'ve also been extremely tired and sometimes short of breath.
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\nI seem to have kidney problems a lot, the naturopath/chiropractor I go to has me taking DSF Formula and says it could be that my anxiety causes me to go into the fight or flight stage and then there isn\'t as much blood going to my organs making them more susceptible to infection.
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\nMy mom and grandma say I look really pale and that I just don\'t look good. They sell the doTerra essential oils so they\'ve been having me use a lot of those, I\'ve been using a digestive blend, and the zendocrine blend thats for detox and is supposed to help with kidneys, along with lavender and a balancing blend for emotions.
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\nI\'m just wondering if theres anything else I should try for anxiety, depression, kidney problems, or my stomach being upset, and advice on dealing with this grief.
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\nThank you!\r\n

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