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Old 11-21-2010, 06:39 PM
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Talking George Carlin one-liners

* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

* How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

* Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

* What was the best thing before sliced bread?

* One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

* How is it possible to have a civil war?

* If God dropped acid, would he see people?

* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

* If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

* Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

* Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

* Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

* If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?

* Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

* I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

* I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

* I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

* I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

* Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

* Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

* You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

* I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
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Old 11-22-2010, 04:30 PM
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Old 11-22-2010, 06:43 PM
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* Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?


Now this one is just great
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Old 11-22-2010, 07:10 PM
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Not a one liner but My FAVORITE George Carlin quote

"Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. "
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