George Carlin one-liners
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
* Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If God dropped acid, would he see people?
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
* If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
* Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
* If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
* Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
* I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
* I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
* I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
* Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
* Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
* You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
* I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanual Kant~