Hello everyone!
I hope that you are all doing good. Today, I realized that I really needed help, so I turned to this forum, because you guys are always so generous and help me!
I have never told this to anyone, and haven't even admitted it to myself yet. It might get a bit unclear, but please bare with me.
I am basically going to tell you my life story, and how everything progressed from an early age from a small problem, to something which today is ruining my life and myself.
I'll start with kindergarten, since that is when it all started. I was 5 years old by the time, and I had one true friend, lets call him Tom. (That wasn't his real name, but I am just trying to make matters easier, and for the fact I am Tom too, and he had a very similar name to mine, which also led to use being best friends). Tom and I where best friends. I was stronger and bigger them him, but he was funny, cute and adorable. I really liked him. But one day, he left my kindergarten leaving my heart broken, because I couldn't say good bye to him. Then I realized, I was left with no friends. I couldn't imagine eating alone or playing alone outside, so I had to get a friend, and I had to get him fast. His name was James, and he was my next "best friend". I put best friend in quotation marks, because he was just a person I was with. He took advantage of me, made me bring him toys which he later took and I never saw, broke my toys and beat me up if I cried or tried to tell an older person. I remember a sunny day, we had a small yellow tent up inside my kindergarten. He and I was in there, and he punched my in the face really bad. I started crying, then he got up on me and lifter his fist in the air, and told me that if I don't stop he'll choke me. I heard the teacher come over and ask "Is everything ok? Are you crying?" Because she was outside the tent, she couldn't see me. I started laughing and said: "No, I am just laughing!" Then the teacher looked in, and said "Oh, you are laughing so much that you are crying! How sweet of you James to be his best friend!" Then she left. She of course missed that James was choking me. A year later, I left kindergarten and went to school.
The first three days of school, I was crying non-stop. I missed my parents really bad. They always give me the feeling of safeness and protection. (Up until this day, I can't sleep at someone who I don't know [like camps], and I'll always start crying and beg my parents to take me home.) I looked down on the ground, and cried. I developed a habit of looking on the ground when walking then, and have it today too. Because I was looking onto the ground, I walked into a door once. Of course, everyone in my class started laughing at me. I stopped crying. The crying and the door incident presented me as week and miserable to the other kids. So a week later, the bullying started. This one kid, Carl, started bullying me really bad. First, he beat me up a couple of times (like a punch in the stomach etc). Then, he made sand balls and stuffed them in my eyes and in my mouth. The other kids thought it was fun too, and they did this, chasing me and stuffing sand balls in my mouth for a year. One day, I couldn't take it anymore, and I ran to an area of the school which was forbidden to go to. The kids told the teacher, who came over to me to ask why I was outside the allowed area. The first time in my life, I told an older person that I was treated bad. She said "STOP" to the other kids, and that was it. Another half year later, when I was crying inside the classroom and refused to go outside, they called my parents who talked to them. The teachers talked to the other kids, and they stopped. From that point on, I was left alone. Of course, I was closed out and didn't get invited to birthday parties, and kids took advantage of me and got me to buy and bring toys to them, to give them money etc. My 2nd teacher, who thought math and science, started to hate me too because I lied to her to like me, which worked for a brief 3 months. I lied that we had flamingos in our backyard, but from then on, she hated me and made my academical life a living hell. I realized that the lying worked, so I told all the other kids in my class that I was Harry Potter. They believed me, and loved me for 3 weeks, but then they found out of course, and started ignoring me again. By that time, I was so alone on the breaks that I started picking on an older and stronger fat kid. I called him "fatty" and "pig". This was a bad idea, because he and his friend caught me after break. Two took my arms, and two my feet and they pressed my against the wall. Than the fat kid, threatened to kick me in the groin a lot of times. Then, they let me go.
Later that year, I got a bad grade and a behavior warning because I was fighting with wooden sticks behind school. The grades and warnings where written in a "Report book". I was so embarrassed that I let my down my parents, that I ripped that page out of my report book. The teacher hated my from then, and my dad didn't talk to me for a month, and slapped my so my lip started bleeding, and my finger broke. (I didn't get taken care of my finger, but it works great now). I've never seen my dad that violent, he never was and never is. He is the best dad I could imagine.
That is it for year 3.
In the summer, at a summer camp I met a kid from my class. We made pretty good friends, and he became my new best friend. I didn't have a BF for 5 years now, so I was really happy.
In year 4, with my new BF it was going great. I protected him from mean words, and so did he. His name was Sanyi. All the boys in my class was picking on the fat kid now, and he too. It was great until I said "sorry " to the fat kid, we stopped being friends for a half day, but everything was back to normal then.
It all worked fine- until I had to leave. We had to move to another country. I was in the middle of year seven, and we where moving to Sweden. My parents lost their job, and we where moving to Sweden. I had to leave my class which I now loved, in tears. I cried really bad. I got a small book from them, which every kid signed and wrote a page about stuff and advice. I still have it today.
All the bullying had it's affects. I was an excellent runner, but I had the lack of both upper body muscles and brain power. My brain was focused on how to escape from a situation, not solving it. I still have this today. Please help how to get rid of this. I can't study, I procastinate and get away with it.
We where in spain for 4 months learning the language. I didn't like it, so I didn't learn at all. (Tough now I speak the best in my family!) Multiple families where there, and I was in the same class as a 14 year old kid. He introduced me to porn and gaming, which even up to today I am addicted to, and can't get rid of it. I would love to, please help.
So the year come, and we moved to Sweden. We lived in a cheap apartment with all the other immigrants. I went to school. I - of course - cried in the first week. I barely spoke the language but the kids in Sweden helped me because they where used to immigrants and they helped me learn. I also made couple of friends. Later that year, I was speeding on my bike and fell over really bad, which was my excuse to escape school and be in the hospital for a couple of days, and kept lying about a hurting foot. This is because I couldn't show the weakness that I previously had shown in year 1.
Then comes year six, which I recall as the worst year of my life. I changed school, and got in a really bad class. Really bad, meaning that it was full of immigrants and "gangsters", which just did a ton of bad things. I was with them, and it converted me to the bad side of me. This side, I can still recall today, and sometimes it acts for me. I started waxing my hair, A LOT. I stopped studying, started getting E and F on all my tests, but I was quite smart so I got around with a C on some. Math was easier here, so I didn't have a problem as I continued to study at home from the textbooks I had when I lived in the country (I don't want to tell where I am from since it may be to obvious to people who know me, and I don't want them to see this story, so I am just going to say that I am from east Europe.) I also kept learning and revising my mother language and history. I started to "hang with the gangsters" and started to hate my parents, spent less time with them and just hated them. And thus, I started gaming. I played Counter Strikes and other games for a whole while, which ruined my brain pretty much. This year was just a mess, it's impossible to describe as you may have noticed, sorry. I hate myself for what I have done to myself and others and my parents that year...
Year 7 was really good. I changed school, and learned a bunch of stuff. My grades where still just C and B, no matter how much I studied. I made friends, and got popular.
Year 8 was just a bit downhill from there, but I am currently in this year now. I started to study a bit more, and now can achive A in some and B in some other subjects. My lack of interests for sports and my poor physical condition made me loose some friends. I've got style, and a geek but at least I am accepted in my class. I am not so social and can't talk to people much, I always get stuck in a conversation, but I am fine with it.
I really want to get better grades. But all these years, I have been waiting for that life changing *something* to come. That moment, that second. But it never did. I don't know if there is something out there, but I am really wondering what to do. It's like a sign from the universe which without I cant study or live. What do you think I should do to stop this waiting and just move on with my life? I have tried plenty of stuff, but it's just not quite right. Please help.
So by now, you are probably wondering what this is all about. How the topic relates to this story. Well, under these years I had a lot of suicidal thoughts. I think it may just be easier to give and and stick a knife trough my heart. I want to see myself die, I want to see the others cry. But that may just be me. I don't want to hurt myself or choose the bad thing (like choosing death over living or living over death), so please answer the three questions above (if you can) and this one. It would change my life. It would help me.
With lots of love,
Tom.
Too many suicidal thoughts- need help.
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