My mom became pregnant with me during her third year of college, causing her to drop out, marry my dad (a drug addict), lose chances of her career, and end up being broke all the time. When I was a baby, my mom failed to watch me and I climbed onto the stove, causing boiling water to spill on my arm, and chest, leaving me scarred. I watched my dad beat up my mom, throw hot pasta on her, I've caught both my mom and dad cheat on each other with each other's friends. My dad would scream at my mom, then turn to me and smile, often making me confused. At about the age of five, my mom got divorced, and we lived with the man she was cheating with for about a month. I have absolutely nothing against Muslims, but this man was indeed a muslim, and forced both me and my mom to practice Muslim acts, when we are Catholic. He would hit me with a stick when I didn't listen well. Eventually, my dad found us and beat this man up. Me and my mom left and went to my grandparents house, which is incredibly small (only one bedroom). We slept on the same sofa bed. My mom would go to work, and from about the age of five to eight, I was living at my grandparents house. When we moved out and moved into our own apartment, my mom worked 24/7, so I practically spent all my time with my grandparents, and they basically raised me. However, they are very anti-social, and not open to new ideas; they are very conservative republican. Whenever I wanted to go out and play with kids, they forced me to stay in. When I want to go to a pool, they say "No, you can get sick or possibly drown." I basically am a younger version of them, and I don't fit into my own generation. They never cry, laugh, or give hugs. Since you guys cannot really tell, due to the fact I am just some member you all know from a message board, I have an urge to break free from that. I realize that I wasted 17 years of my life, I never started enjoying it yet, and so on. My mom has a sort of chemical imbalance. She thinks someone is out to get her, she believes she is getting shock therapy "through the air", and some doctor is following her. I go to my dad's house on the weekend, to visit his new wife which I know dislikes me. She tells my dad I am a homosexual because I don't have a girlfriend. She says I'm not a real man because I dislike fighting, but especially because I am both physically and emotionally weak. His other kids (ages 5 and 9) bother the hell out of me because they were improperly raised. My dad continued doing drugs up until about a year ago, and I know he will pick up again. He always does. They curse, give me the finger, spit in my face, and I get no respect. I cannot confide with my father, since I don't have any trust or faith in him. He has called me a "f*ggot" many times.
A few years ago none of this stuff ever really came clear to me, or really upset me. Now, I can't get it off my chest, and my head keeps on spinning. I see I'm getting worse, and due to the fact that I rarely cry, or express my emotions well, my anger, hatred, depression, and so on is building up greatly. Sooner or later, as my responsibilities increase, and times get worse, I know I will explode. Does anyone have any ideas on how to prevent this? (Besides medication, that makes things worse)
Even before reading your post I could tell that your head was in a mess. But you keep ignoring the advice that I have given you several times. SEEK PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP.
If your family is not taking care of you then you can seek help in your school from the teachers or counsellors. You are living in a country that has a lot of resources to tap into. I am not an American but I am sure that there are folks who post here who can give you lots of good advice.
You are NOT going to get out of this without professional help.
Spidey, you have grown up in a horrendously dysfunctional environment. Anyone's head would be messed up if they lived through what you have but you can work on yourself and change it. For one thing, starting right now, start accepting yourself just as you are.
Can you go to your school counselor and talk? There are counselors out there for low income if money is a problem.
Read books by Melody Beattie on codependency. They are a tremendous help and I learned a lot from them.
Your posts here are a plea for help which is good. I started working on myself when I was 25 because I had no one to help me. I read a ton of self improvement books.
There is nothing wrong with you Spidey. You just grew up in a tough environment. Go inside yourself and find the love that is waiting there for you.
Spidey, because you are able to state just what you have above, there is great hope for you.
Always the first step in healing is in recognizing the disease you have, and in this case the disease is your family and the emotional negativity it has created in yourself, like insecurity, fear, anger and a sense of separation and lonliness. You are on your way to freedom and you have learned already the information you need to save yourself from a world of problems like...
You know the damage that abuse and beating can do...so now you will never be inclined to do it. (there was physical abuse in my house to but not as bad as yours. I had to choose my way out of it, especially when it came to raising my own children, as I saw the program trying to pay out. I had to force it to end and it was done through consciousness and will)
You know the value of a hug and positive words so you will teach yourself to say and do it. (I know this one very well. No one ever touched each other or said kind words in my family as I was growing up and I had to decide that I wanted this in my life and then give myself permission to do it as well as receive it from others. I had a lot of fear to overcome, shyness and feelings of inferiority)
You know the value of kindess and friendship you will be a good friend when the right people come into you life.
you understand the importance of truth and devotion because you have suffered under the lies and distrust your parents modeled for you.
You understand the importance in freedom of choice in religion so someday you will find the religious or spiritual path that will feed your soul
You already see a good education as part of the way out of your dilemma so you will continue to be a good student.
You will realize that the more you love and accept yourself for who you are the more other people will love you for who you are and those people may not be your direct family members. In time you will make new associations and friends.
Many people with life situations as bad as yours do get past it. You must find ways to spiritually heal yourself and not worry about your parents, grandparents and those who have done you wrong. You cannot fix them. Only they can fix themselves so don't even bother to try. They are not the path to your growth and freedom.
When I was young I found it necessary to put great distance between me and my family, like thousands of miles and minimal contact until I established my own healing. This took me about 10 years! Then when that was done I was able to return home t visit and feel invincible to the types of abuse they created. Eventually I cared for my Mom in her old age and did it with total forgiveness and love. I still keep association with one of my brothers very minimal as I find no positive or fruitful reason to be close or attempt to be close to him.
“God is the basis of life, life is the basis of energy, energy is the basis of matter.”... Carey Reams
Thanks for those replies guys, I really do appreciate it. The problem is I don't know how to come out and tell my mom I want to speak to a psychiatrist. Every time I try and talk to her about it, she doesn't understand at all. This has a lot to do with the money situation as well. Her chemical imbalance has caused for her to lose every job she gets. When I get older, and I see it getting worse, I'm going to call for her to get help.
However, sometimes I do a study with a bible teacher (I believe he is a Jehovah's Witness, though I don't plan to convert, I just enjoy socializing and studying with him). Two times a week, I go over his house and we watch "Lost" and he orders food. Friday is when the actual study is done. Though I have started to talk to him about these things, since he lived a similar life. I feel like I can confide with him, and get closer to him than anyone in my family, especially my father.
What makes me mad is my dad's side of the family is very rich. I always see them buying new homes all over the borough of Staten Island or within the state of New Jersey. They always buy new cars, go on vacations to Florida, Italy, etc. Though they judge me and my mom. My mom cannot afford braces, therefore I have a gap between my front teeth (which I am self conscious of since I've been made fun of A LOT), but they don't offer to pay for them. Soon, I am going to college, which has become really expensive. I try talking to them about how I want to go away to a college (which I plan on applying to SUNY since it is public and has greatly ranked school), but they plan on paying not even one cent. They give me dirty looks because me and my mom aren't rich like them. They give me phony smiles, they don't speak to me, or give me any calls at all. This also has a lot to do with me feeling alone. In my school, I am part of a minority (white students make up about 1% at Abraham Lincoln High School) and I am often left out. I try to join conversations but they start calling me Mr. Bush or McCain since I am sort of "conservative" or "old fashioned," but only in appearance. Inside I am liberal, or at least I am trying to be. Basically, I suppose my loneliness will disappear later on, for instance, when I start college, I will make REAL friends, find a nice/intelligence/pretty girl, learn more, etc.
You can make it through school if you really want to. It will be hard but my kids are now paying for their college by working in a restaurant and a car wash. It may take longer than other kids who's parents pay. But so what? Whats the hurry? Up state NY is just beautiful. You can explore nature, work, go to school and just take your time. Starting this fall my kids will be paying for a room as we are moving out of state and they want to stay. Financially, I can see that they can do it. When you get there I think you will find other struggling students also. This challenge can bring a great and exploratory time in your life, and a time to heal and mend from your screwed up family.
Although my husband's family had some money they didn't pay for his school. He worked full time in a saw mill and went to school full time at the same time. He looks back on those days and wonders how he did it. But youth has a lot of energy!
You should start to work. Work anywhere. Any job you can find. Start saving money. When you know what college you want to go to, go there, rent a room with other students in a house, find a job and get ready. The bigger the town the better the chances. Apply for every scholarship possible. Look at all job opportunities.
You can always ask family for money. The worst that can happen is that they say no. If they do then just go on to the rest of your life.
Don't get hung up thinking about girls at this point.
When you get a job and get through school then you may be able to fix your own teeth. We fixed my sons and it cost about 3,000 and we paid $100 a month and that was with a dental plan, but I am not sure those plans are worth too much. you have to look into it. Some dentists may be able to help offer advice on how to pay for it. You should ask around.
If you like to talk spiritual stuff I recommend that you get in touch with Unity Church or Church of Religious Science. Don't be shy. Just walk in there one Sunday and tell them you are seeking counsel, that you need help. Keep asking until someone helps you. You may possibly find free counseling through them and they are very open minded people who generally understand some of the finer points of psychology. I do not see that you need a psychiatrist. You do not have a mental disorder. You just need a wise person to talk to on an ongoing basis. Personally, I think Jehovaha's Witness people are nuts and I wouldn't go near them with a 10 foot pole. They are really into restricting information, what you read and who you associate with. Because you are vulnerable and trying to deal with a lot of stuff right now your are a perfect target for a group like this. They practically kidnapped a friend of mine into their cult when I was in college. We never heard nor saw from him again. They also have a reputation for beating children, but they may be some extreme ones. https://www.rapidnet.com/~jbeard/bdm/Cults/jw.htm
I cannot start work right now because I am doing volunteer work to add to my college application. When I stary my senior year this September, I will be part of the yearbook staff. We are going to be staying after school, so I won't really have time to work. Perhaps on the weekends, when I visit my miserable father I can come with him to work and work at his job (an Italian Deli). Even still, that won't really come close to paying college tuition.
I really want to go away to a dorm. I would be able to get away from my family, and see life outside of this city. New York is a really beautiful place, it's just New York City that feels like a dump.
There isn't anything wrong about thinking about girls, I mean I'm not HUNG UP but it's only natural for me to have them on my mind. I plan on not getting any girls or asking them out until college and not worrying about them now in high school.
My neighbor is 37 years old and got braces for the first time
Well, with the Jehovah's Witness guy, I'm not really getting deep into the study, to me it's just a study. He asks me if I ever plan on becoming a "brother" but I told him it isn't for me, and he said it is okay. They aren't bad people, and I wouldn't go as far to call them a "cult" since they aren't evil or anything. Though, I don't believe in everything they do, this guy is more of a friend to me.
The schools I am applying to are public. The SUNY schools will cost me 15,000 a year (tuitioin + dorm). I am getting financial aid which will cover about 10,000 a year. Whatever is left over I will get a student loan.
I have been nominated for the Posse scholarship, which if you are one of the winners (which I doubt I'll be), then they pay over $100,000 for a full scholarship.
I would definitely listen to what Arrow has said; she has made many very good points.
I would reiterate one observation and that is you do not need a psychiatrist. But a counselor would be a good idea, however it needs to someone you feel you can trust and who is genuinely interested in helping you.
You have come to the realization that you have a problem. This is good. What you might not realize is just how big a leap that really is. Some people never get to that point.
If you are going to solve a problem you first need to realize that there is a problem and what you have been going through is not normal. Only then can you start looking for and planning solutions. At least you are now on the right path, it won’t necessarily be easy, but you know where you have been and you know where you would like to be therefore you now have a goal and if you follow it you will get there.
Well, as far as my future, I want to be a computer engineer. My uncle is a computer engineer (Him and his wife had a pretty normal life as far as I know, though they were never really in my life). When I get to college, I want to go away (upstate new york for example) so I can stay away from some of these problems. When I'm done with school and all, I'm not going to try and keep my family completely out of my life, since they still are family, but I want to keep a great distance.