01-11-2011, 08:16 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 1,758
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Funny One-Liners
Funny One-Liners
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
* A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* A closed mouth gathers no foot.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* All generalizations are false, including this one.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
* Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
* Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
* Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
* Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Honk if you want to see my finger. 
* How does Teflon stick to the pan?
* I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
* I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
* I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
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* Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
* Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
* The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
* Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
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"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanual Kant~
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