Old 01-11-2011, 08:16 PM
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Smile Funny One-Liners

Funny One-Liners

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* A closed mouth gathers no foot.

* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

* All generalizations are false, including this one.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

* Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

* Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

* Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

* Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

* Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

* Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Honk if you want to see my finger.

* How does Teflon stick to the pan?

* I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

* I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

* I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

* Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

* The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

* Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanual Kant~
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