Divorce can be very nasty. I have several friends that got divorced, and I tried to support them through it. Now, they are no longer friends. I am collateral damage. I think the problem is that neither party are thinking rationally and for long term consequences. It is to difficult to step out of the situation and think outside of your emotions. It is also difficult when you can't be physically separated during the process.

Be sure of what you really want. Be sure, as well, of what you deserve. Even though you think you won't want any financial property from this, I think you deserve it. You are the boss in this relationship with your lawyer, but your lawyer has probably been through this enough times to help you with such decisions.

On the other side of the spectrum, I have friends who could not get married, because they are gay. They finally did, as the laws are changing. They have been together for 38 years. Not many heterosexual marriages last that long. Not many partnerships last that long either.

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- Jim

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." - Albert Einstein

This Labor day weekend is the anniversary of our meeting (in 1978). Your friends have me beat by four years .

It's been rough, lemme tell ya!

It's all going to boil down to what HE feels I deserve. (Screw the state and what THEY say.)
The manipulation and control has been a steady constant. First with badgering me to get a job "like all his friends' wives" to me getting one part-time and he taking away the 17 year old Buick so that I cannot even GET to the job - to the CONSTANT arriving late at family functions or not even at all to not even getting the invitations - to standing quite near me while I am on the phone with a friend and he's yelling "are you gonna be on long? I need the phone NOW!!" To where MY friends dropped off eventually - I mean really, who wants to deal with THAT! To me being grateful he doesn't leave physical scars (what.is.wrong.with.me).

I keep repeating to him: "It's not you, it's me. I just want out of the relationship." We have grown so far apart. It's time.

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When someone is a control freak like that, or if they have to make those around them feel insignificant so they can feel more powerful...they have some deep-seated issues that can only be resolved if they admit they have a problem, and follow through with extensive professional help. Doesn't seem like that's going to happen in this case.

I'm glad he hasn't left any physical scars, and I think that anyone, man or woman, who is physically abusive to their spouse is in the wrong. I would leave asap, forgiving doesn't make it stop. But mental and emotional scars are very real and not to be taken lightly either.

Repeat or say to him whatever is necessary to make things easier for you at this time. You're a smart lady, use it to your advantage now. White lies, no big deal anymore...no holds barred!

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"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanual Kant~

So sorry to see that you have suffered abuse happy2bhere, and so glad to think that you will soon be free of it, I hope your future goes well for you. Hugs

Why does it feel as if I am scheduled for surgery? Anticipation - dread - fear - like I want to put on my best running shoes and just not stop...but then, who would feed the dogs?

I actually went shopping (marshalls/target - no high end for me ) yesterday for a divorce outfit. Black. Tidy. Not too showy or fluffy. Actually I think Sr. Marietta - my first grade teacher at a Catholic school - would be proud. It's going back. I think I am cracking. I keep listening to that gotye song "you're just somebody that I USED to know..." got.to.get.a.grip.

Hang in there girlfriend, it's all uphill from here. I just went through all this a few years ago after being married a long time. Married my HS sweetheart who liked to tip 'em back as he got older.
Anyway, after the divorce you will go through a grieving period. It's very important that you find things to do & exercise!
Just remember, your kids still need you no matter how old they are.

The only pieces of advice I'd give you as far dealing with your husband.. I agree with K2C, white lies don't hurt... And keep the drama low, very low. The reason I'm saying this is because you're not the only one who may be ready to snap. I kept repeating to myself, if you're not enjoying each other's company, then why force yourself to be there? Security is comforting, but not at that price.

As cliche as is sounds, your identity gets lost in the mix, so you have to figure out who you are as a person. It's been an adventure over here, so I'm sure you'll enjoy it as well

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Simple and well said Cookie! I've always said that none of us were put here on this earth to please any other one particular person. If we're lucky, and it works out that way, we meet someone and spend many years with them. But...if things aren't going smooth, and either is not happy and content, then it's best to part ways.

My parents actually divorced when I was fifteen, so they were in their mid/late 50's. When I asked my mother if she wasn't happy, why did they stay together so long...she said she was waiting for the youngest (me) to be old enough.

Life is too short (really) to waste any time in a relationship that doesn't mesh. I remember once when I was younger, and a friend had a husband that was fooling around, I told her that if my husband found someone that he'd rather be with, I'd step aside and let him go...no sense in forcing him to be with me, as it wouldn't be fair to either of us.

((((((nmt)))) Thank you everyone!! Cookie, kind2, ozzie, jfh big heartfelt thank yous.

The suggestions will help IMMENSELY! But the messages and good thoughts will help MORE.

Life is too short.

I have been forcing myself just to stay in the same room he's in. ug. I can't get him to understand. TO FEEL MY FEELINGS, for he has NO empathy. He truly doesn't care. I once was jealous of that trait of his. How can he be so detached?

Nah, he can have it. I like my feelings. I like the fact there was a dog being abused by being left out day and night 24/7, cold, rain etc and I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
(Now the pup is living at the beagle rescue mom's home with three other beagle mates. Allowed to sleep on the sofa in the tv room). Funny, thinking back to "him" the almost ex, he asked who's dog it was that was in the cage in our kitchen. And I told him I was rescuing him from abusive owners. He said "oh" well, he can't stay long, we have three already and they cost enough." Always looking out for that money. Not once did he even say "it was good to get Beagle away before something terrible happened."

Now I'm going to rescue me.

It's good that you're 'seeing the light' happy2bhere! Way too many women stay in those situations, even though it's never too save themselves. Glad you're going to rescue you, you have a lot of caring folks supporting you here and wishing you the best. PS: kudos to you for helping a needy Beagle, you're an angel.

He was such a sweet little guy. Always coming to the fence when we would walk past. His tail wagging. But we saw him there all the time. In snow, rain etc. You could see him through the fence. From what I could tell, the dog house he had didn't have hay or anything to keep him warm - heck even a small watt light bulb in there would help some. The owner relinquished him to me without a care . They had animal protection calls about leaving him out and she didn't want him in the house. He was given to her husband at work. She wanted a small dog. I suggested she think that through a bit.

When I let him go adventuring in the backyard - he was so happy. I wish we could have kept him. He went after my yorkie a few times, so it would not have worked. We kept telling him the yorkie was NOT a bunny - but he still went after him.

I was more than happy to help him. He didn't deserve that treatment.

I also rescued a pigeon! Not from being abused but abandoned. Some type of feathery Trumpeter. She was on the garage for a couple days, probably eyeing the bird seed and she loved the dogs! She would go on to the driveway with them. And they would go after her! For that's what ours do-chase birds, bunnies, squirrels -

It was fall and getting very cold - so I put the food, dog cage and a bowl of water in the garage and waited. She went in. She would come off the rafters to come near me. So I put a towel over her and put her in the dog's cage. I was worried I would break something on her. I never rescued a bird before.

We scoured the webs and found a guy a couple hours away that was willing to take her. We weren't too sure about him, but felt we will go with her and if it didn't seem right we could just say we changed our minds.

His entire garage was a pigeon coop! Lots of pigeons. All fancies. She came in, went to the bath water, took a bath and just strutted around. Half of the garage was like an enclosed porch for them to have sun. But would be closed up during harsh temps.

My daughter and I felt so good about leaving her with all the other pigies. I had NO idea there were so many different types and all those long feathers on their legs. She would waddle when she walked. Funny sight for sure.

Is this part of the healing? Rambling on? lol. We got into it last night and I did yell "I JUST WANT OUT!!" at him. He said "we should go to a marriage counselor and you should see a doctor. I think you have a mental problem for you get upset over every tiny thing." I got upset.

I may not keep the house. Daughter got an offer of a very good two year job(she's in management/construction for a BIG company in Chicago) in New Jersey. Since I am her dog's nanny, I will be going too. Possibly October. Hope this is all resolved by then.

Oh he threw "what about the oath we took? until death do us part?" He said this three times within the same two hours...I don't like it. Usually when we argued I was told "call a lawyer and get a divorce."

I would just take a deep breath and think of the 'big picture', rather than yell anything out at this point. Moving out of state and into a new home or condo would be perfect for you when everything's resolved. Keep your eye on the prize, and hang in there, it's worth it. The oath thing is just a weak attempt at reverse psychology, or laying a guilt trip on you...keep in mind those 'call a lawyer' comments, that were said to scare you in the past.

Fekking controlling people!!!



Only weapon my ex had left to threaten me with was a divorce! When she screamed, "We could aways get a divorce!", for one moment in my life I was the connsumate poker player. With a droopy look on my face I said, "Well, maybe it might be best if we did." Meanwhile, the little voice in the back of my head is going, 'WOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!!' The hour of freedom is at hand!!

She stormed off, and the rest is history!!

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I'd rather meander for the prevention than race for the cure.

He sure knows how to push those buttons! The yell was more for emphasis - it sort of hurt my neck when I did it.

I never threaten. When he would tell me to see a lawyer, I usually would say STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, or something like that. You would NOT believe how controlling this guy is. And sneaky. I get the feeling he thinks he needs to bring in witnesses or something. He's been bringing dyed daisies home - not for me, just because. Two unpotted mum plants - yellow, his favorite. We planted them in the front yard yesterday and I made sure to wave at the one neighbor I am certain knows more than I do about the separation. Out of the blue yesterday he tells me he is going to cut the grass. Just the front, tho, I can't trust him around the sunflower sproutings. ETA: I can count on ONE finger the number of times he has cut the grass since June, 2008.

Then, he edged - it makes ALOT of noise. It took him hours. I had already done that a week or so ago, but whatever. There were not too many of the neighbors around to see him anyway and I don't believe the judge will care. We don't need grounds to divorce. Such sudden interest had me overwhelmed!

Then he asked when our daughter returned back home from NC - when he had to fly out to get her and bring her back home after HER divorce was final and classes were over. I thought it strange - he has all the financial info like flight costs, moving truck rental, gas, etc. TO THE DIME. And all the dates. It is even labeled on the file: Moving Daughter Costs. Sheesh. I wonder if HIS legal rep is going to divide old bills from three years ago? Makes my plu$ side go way down.
I don't care. I just want out.

We had a chance to air a little too, yesterday. I suggested he not take any advice from the goofy brother (that feels organic is a waste of time because it is not purified like non-organic. I am NOT kidding). He informed me he has to involve him a bit for he is the gatekeeper of his mom's funds. (I want out of THAT cluster fock, too).

Almost ex needs money too, he claims, since I maxxed out the card (during a two year period - I concentrated on paying off the refi on the house seven months sooner and this was during the six months of being laid off *which are longer in duration/frequency, just barely keeping us in medical coverage - the unemployment was already stretched thin), for MY attorney fees. Thank you BofA for throwing in some extra so I could get the ball rolling! I wasn't sure the transaction would even go thru. I was sweating bullets. (He did mention he has emergency or "liquid" I think he called it--funds he may need to tap into. A special account that he won't be penalized for touching. I am like "what?")

Then, while I was downstairs rotating some rice and pastas, in the cellar - I threw some paper away and noticed a bank envelope on the floor under the desk. Not under the drawer part, it was right where you put your feet - with the words "thank you" in blue sharpee written on it. So I peek in and ! holy shi....t
I then brought it up (he had run to the store for safe processed food for work lunches) handed it to daughter and she counted it and !! Double holy shi....t.

I propped it up on his desk and answered the several questions he began asking as soon as he found it propped up on the stapler. "I found it on the floor" "No, I didn't take $20. Maybe daughter did, she counted it"

Well, getting the brother involved to borrow money from mom just sort of flew out the window with this recent discovery. I had made SEVERAL discoveries in the past, too. But that is HIS money. That he makes from SIDE jobs. (Knowing full well the card is being used for FOOD. Gas in the car (which I barely use for I have no place to go other than food shopping or bill paying) - the DOGS care/food.


I just want out.

Hang in there! Tough times don't last, tough people do.