Cannot recall if someone here referred to this place but:

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU


This place is helping HEAPS. I may or may not know someone who I feel may have some passive-aggressive narcissistic traits and the information that I found here is exactly what I need right now.

https://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/

__________________

I think society as a whole behaves that way and if we're not careful, we get infected through exposure.

__________________
I'd rather meander for the prevention than race for the cure.

Is there an herb for it?

Perhaps a "big Pharma" vaccine?

Society feels passive-aggressive? Or, that they know someone that is a PAN?

I had heard the term bandied about a few years ago and all the talk shows would focus on the destruction of a family where one person had the misfortune of believing the world revolved around them and only them and how it slowly destroyed everyone in its path.

Then there was the "bi-polar" come back to the passive aggressive type. "He's passive aggressive to her bi-polar" show at 8. I know. I know.

Didn't really pay attention. I was too busy making everything look good from the outside. Neat, clean attractively decorated home. Well mannered healthy children. A totally adorable little dog that LOVED to play soccer in the front yard -- endlessly chasing the ball all around in the grass...the handsome doting husband/dad breezing in and making everything just STOP to get his needs met FIRST and QUICKLY due to HIS time restraints and HIS schedule.
Then all goes back to being abnormal as soon as he leaves.

Went on like this for quite awhile. Kids are gone for the most part. I feel I have been brainwashed for lack of a better term - to believe I am HERE to SERVE HIM and HIS NEEDS ONLY NO MATTER WHAT DAY IN DAY OUT.

It's insidious. Unrelenting. But the blinders are off...and I am either going to get back into school and get on with MY life, or board that caravel that locally stopped by at a lakeshore near here, and sail the Rivers blue (ish). Gave him - freely and somewhat dutifully - 28 years of loyal attention. 24/7. As expected and demanded.

Didn't mean to turn this into a personal blog--narcissism phobia--just wanted to share the site

. The lawyer I recently filed with called the other evening to inform him of the coming event. That night and last night as soon as he walked thru the door it began - with his dialogue:
I don't like this.
I don't think this is right.
What can I do to stop this.
This isn't fair to me.
I am in shock.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
Hmmm....

There is something that was referred to as 'herb' back in the day that probably would make this chapter of your life a tiny bit easier to get through, but it's not legal..

If you've given up your friends along the way, I'd highly suggest that you get into a woman's talk group of some sort. Do you have a Project Self Sufficiency nearby?

__________________

Wishing you the best during the transition.

Thank you SG and Cookie (((hugs))). I have a daughter, two dogs and a car

I heard that the herb was especially nice baked into brownies

I am SO excited about the "transition" - wow something is finally happening in MY life!

I think a group would be MOST beneficial and will look into it. It's going to be a huge change. One that has been put on hold for about 10 years. We no longer fight but I am sure once the judge sends the orders for him to get out they will begin. I have let a couple neighbors know and a sister who has offered an emergency place to stay, if the need arises.

It's daunting, to say the least. I have come to know that this house was made possible only because of HIM. That basically EVERYTHING I come in contact with is because of HIM and HIS money. his.his.his. This will be his only concern: his money. For that is what his life has been all about. That's where it's going to get rocky. I told MY lawyer I just want the house. No tearing up accts/savings/pension etc. He suggested I should let him do the job I hired him to do. Control freak or am I getting paranoid with all the Drew Peterson missing/dead ex wives in the Chicago papers lately?

Always trust your gut. If you feel he would hurt you, he might. Remember, he most likely feels hurt too. Keep your dogs close.

He probably felt that both of you had a mutual agreement to what the relationship should be.

Did you ever try counseling?


Again, being no expert with very little comparisons to draw on, I feel that most relationships are co-dependent. There are healthy co-dependent relationships and unhealthy co-dependent relationships.

I am trying to understand his feelings - I just wish he would consider me/mine. That has been the crux of the problem for a very long time.

I don't know if it was so much a mutual agreement or just acquired roles. It took many years for it to become what it is today - over 25 in fact! - and thru a type of survival mode -- morphed into a relationship I can no longer be in. Nor do I want any more. (We did go to counseling in 93).

I cannot accept the way he treats me and he is not willing to change - for he doesn't feel there is anything wrong with what he does/says/treatment of me. Classic.

Somewhere I changed. And I don't want to be treated like this anymore.

You've already allowed a man to rule your life. You don't need your lawyer running over you too. You've let your lawyer know what you want. Now just remind him that you are the client. Else, the lawyer will go after whatever is going to get him more of the settlement. Then you will have regrets that can't be undone.

__________________
-
- Jim

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." - Albert Einstein

I am blessed to be in a good marriage for over 35 years now, but I can understand what you've gone through, and I'm proud of you for wanting to get out and experience the better life that you deserve. From what you describe, it's me, me, me with him, and that's not healthy in any relationship.

You should be excited, good for you! You're smart for thinking about the possible harm that many women experience after a break-up, it's being realistic...hopefully nothing will ever happen, keeping some distance usually helps. As far as settlement money, I would think twice before selling myself short, he's going to be ticked off regardless, and you deserve some financial security if you have to live on your own.

Some people are just that way, you can't change them. They think they're right, and that's that. They know (and are) better than you...but that's never the case. Glad you've changed, and you have the willpower to follow through with it. Wishing you all the strength you need, and a happy and healthy future.

__________________
"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanual Kant~

3 x 7 ~ 25

Sounds like you're ready and have thought hard about it.

I have a saying that summarizes what I learned from my divorce, "Never sacrifice your feelings for somebody elses, because you don't have to live with them, but you do have to live with yourself."


Get ready for life's new adventures.

I have got to tell my lawyer-- Bobsy -- just a silly name I refer to him as, that under NO circumstances will I agree to any amount of the pension. I don't want to risk it. It ain't worth dyin for.

Almost ex has another house he bought a couple years before we married and he gutted it. Been sitting there (while we paid the mortgage/insurance/utilities) abandoned as far as the insurance goes (so our premium on the property is quite high) empty, needing walls, and so much work, since 1981.

He can stay there. He can have that one. His side job shop is there in the garage anyway and conveniently attached to his mother's house. Cozy.

The notice for the hearing came yesterday and I waited until after he put the blower motor in for a neighbor that was having a/c probs...had his shower. I put the envelope on the table and took the dog for a walk.
He sure changed his tune from last week! No more "I will help you as much as I can." "I wish you would change your mind." More like "all the demands are on me" what is with this guy? "How will I find a lawyer? He can't expect me to cover medical if I am laid off and we lose insurance." (What was he purposing when it was looming in September? He has been laid off SO MUCH but seems to make enough on his side work to buy tires for HIS truck, pay back money to his mom for a BIG side job, etc. We were to lose major medical benefits in Sept unless he was to begin working again - with overtime to get the credits back up.) What was he planning for that event had he NOT been called back? ANd that's the rub. I cannot live like this. I was a bit concerned. I just figured we/HE had enough saved for a catastrophe or a medical what not. He does.

Now, he has to hurry and find a lawyer since there is less than two weeks before the hearing (MY attorney spoke to him a little over a week ago on the phone - couldn't he have started to find one then???). He wants to get a bunch of neighbor guy friends involved. I am sure he will be discussing with his brothers, as well.

I told Bobsy yesterday I didn't like the idea of breaking up the pension and I don't think my husband has any idea this could be a reality. It seems harsh. There is the reality tho that my almost ex can remarry immediately after the divorce, and retire in two years and SHE gets it. Put a whole new perspective on things for sure. He said it would be very helpful with medical insurance and I do agree. Why do I feel less than deserving? The funds would go to my needs being in the relationship, anyway.

There will be no easy way of ending this, but I have emotionally left the building, so to speak. I just don't care about it even to get angry! anymore. I.just.want.out.

I can't wait!!

Thank you everyone.

https://psychopathyawareness.wordpres...ve-dissonance/

A very good read. Almost as if she were writing about me and my "dominator"

At one point, I really truly felt I could break thru and reach him. Consistency. Not getting over emotional. Gentle, low tones. He ALWAYS reacted with RAGE. Yelling screaming swearing down the stairs, out the door. Leaving me alone wondering what the hell just happened?

It took awhile. Some reading. Some analyzing. Some SOUL searching. It kept pointing back that it wasn't necessarily what I did or didn't do that was causing his bewildering outbursts. At the time, I wasn't sure WHAT it was.

Now, I know. It's his feeling of being exposed. I may need some professional help with this one. I don't have a clue on how to really deal with it, other than yell back, defend, retreat to room...like always.